My mother and cousin Salina holding banners in Toronto
I haven't posted here for some time. As each day passes with Josh remaining captive in Evin Prison, Iran, I become more speechless. Speechless at the injustice. Speechless at the pain. It has now been more than two years since I have seen, spoken to, hugged, or heard from Josh. I continue to think of him and fight for his freedom every day. I am unable to write to or call him and he is unable to write to or call me. I write to him and speak to him anyway, in the hopes that he can somehow feel me with him. I am posting a couple of previous audio letters here now and will post a new one soon.
My community, family and I celebrate Nowruz (or Navroz as we call it) along with Iranians around the world. Growing up in Canada, where our religious community’s holidays were not marked in mainstream society, I struggled to navigate the two disparate worlds I lived in. It was often difficult for our family to adequately celebrate our special days when we didn’t have public holidays to facilitate us coming together. So we began to take advantage of the public holidays we do have to celebrate together.
Navroz, however, always felt particularly meaningful to me. It just made sense to me to mark the beginning of a new year on the first day of Spring, a time of rebirth and renewal. It made sense that the word ‘Navroz’ meant ‘new day’. It always felt like a time of renewed hope and endless possibilities. I loved celebrating that with my family and community, and with my Iranian friends and colleagues.
Since Sarah, Shane and Josh were captured and detained, it has been impossible for me to feel the joy of the new day that Navroz brings. It has been increasingly difficult for me to hold onto hope as the nightmare of Shane and Josh’s imprisonment continues to almost two years. I feel a dark cloud hovering over me, rather than the rays of sunshine I used to feel at this time of year.
This year, I did mark Navroz with my community, but Shane and Josh were ever-present in our minds and hearts. I went to the celebration with my cousin who has just moved back to Canada from working in the Middle East for many years. So we talked about Shane and Josh on the way to the celebration. She asked me how I manage to maintain the fight for their freedom. The only answer I have is “They just have to be free. And I just have to keep doing whatever is in my power until they are.” At the celebration, I ran into a couple of old friends. One of them said “I just got back from Ukraine last night. I saw the news about Muhammad Ali’s plea for Shane and Josh’s freedom in Kiev!” Soon afterwards, I ran into a colleague, and the first thing he said, even before “Navroz Mubarak,” was “What’s the latest news about Shane and Josh?” When I told him that there was no new news, he shook his head, remarking on his memory of our Navroz hope last year.
It seems appropriate that it is snowing today in Ottawa. The new day won’t really be here until Shane and Josh are free. In the meantime I take solace in the support and solidarity I have from my family and community.
My cousin Salina has been an especially invaluable support to me and to our campaign as a whole. I asked her to share her Navroz reflections along with mine:
Salina Abji: Navroz has always been a special time of year for me. I remember how, as a young child, I would look forward to egg painting and scavenger hunts, receiving gifts from my mom and dad, and getting dressed up and going to community celebrations where there would be prayers followed by food and dancing. As I grew older, I learned about the deeper significance of Navroz. This was not only a time for celebration, but also a time for reflection. This was not only a time for sharing joy with family and friends, but also a time for forgiveness and compassion.
Last year for Navroz, I prayed that Iran would release Sarah Shourd, Shane Bauer and Josh Fattal on compassionate grounds. In August last year, I was moved to tears when Sarah Shourd was released, and I continue to be moved every time she speaks out for Josh and Shane. In fact, Sarah's continued work to free Josh and Shane embodies all of the qualities we revere during Navroz: a willingness to forgive, an inextinguishable sense of hope, and a deep appreciation for all of the things that unite us rather than divide us. It is my deepest, deepest wish that the Iranian authorities will mark this Navroz by extending the same compassion to Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer that they did for Sarah Shourd, by releasing them on humanitarian grounds.
These things you keep You'd better throw them away You wanna turn your back On your soulless days Once you were tethered And now you are free Once you were tethered Well now you are free That was the river This is the sea! Now if you're feelin' weary If you've been alone too long Maybe you've been suffering from A few too many Plans that have gone wrong And you're trying to remember How fine your life used to be Running around banging your drum Like it's 1973 Well that was the river This is the sea! Wooo! Now you say you've got trouble You say you've got pain You say've got nothing left to believe in Nothing to hold on to Nothing to trust Nothing but chains You're scouring your conscience Raking through your memories Scouring your conscience Raking through your memories But that was the river This is the sea yeah! Now i can see you wavering As you try to decide You've got a war in your head And it's tearing you up inside You're trying to make sense Of something that you just can't see Trying to make sense now And you know you once held the key But that was the river And this is the sea! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! Now i hear there's a train It's coming on down the line It's yours if you hurry You've got still enough time And you don't need no ticket And you don't pay no fee No you don't need no ticket You don't pay no fee Because that was the river And this is the sea! Behold the sea!
I am stunned that after 500 DAYS of fighting with ALL our might, Josh and Shane remain unjustly imprisoned in Iran.
For 500 DAYS I have not been able to see Josh. For 500 DAYS I have not been able to speak to Josh. For 500 DAYS I have not been able to write to Josh...Not one of the letters I have written and sent has been given to him.
So on DAY 500 I am posting this letter to Josh in the hopes that it circles the globe and reaches Josh in spirit.
Dearest Josh,
I am so deeply sorry for everything you are going through. When I first heard, I wanted to pull you out with my own two hands. When I couldn't do that, I put my hands to constant work to free you. My hands type on email, facebook and twitter, in letters, blog posts, and articles to free you.
My hands make films and banners and bring people around the world together to free you. My hands hold your hand, Shane's hand, Alex's hand, your mom's hand, your dad's hand, Sarah's hand, Shane's family's hands, our students' hands, and our now mutual friends' hands in our joint fight for your freedom. We will keep fighting every moment that it takes until you are free and with us again. We feel you with us always and I hope with all my heart that you can feel us with you.
For 16 months I struggled to find words to describe how it feels to have someone I love held illegally in an Iranian prison. On the eve of month 17 one word came to me, one word that captures my feelings.
Haunted.
I am haunted.
I have been haunted for 497 days.
Haunted by images. Haunted by thoughts. Haunted by feelings.
Haunted by the thought of Josh held captive.
Haunted by the image of his blindfolded eyes.
Haunted by the feeling of his stifled voice.
Haunted by the thought of Sarah, and now Shane and Josh feeling they lost everyone and everything they love
without knowing when they will get it back.
Songs soothe my haunted spirit.
I need the beat to keep my heart beating when it wants to stop.
I need the lyrics to express feelings impossible to describe.
I need the melody to sing when there are no words.
Sarah’s song is especially soothing…because she knows the pain.
Sarah’s voice is especially powerful…because it was silenced for 410 days.
I wake up every morning singing “When I get out of this, I'll never lock anything inside. Take all my friends for a walk down by the oceanside"
Yesterday I felt the weight of the continued unjust imprisonment of Josh and Shane more acutely than ever before. I was thinking about how grateful I am for having Josh in my life. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have had so much precious time living with Josh. He was fully present with me, fully there for me, on so many levels, on our journey together. From being there to carry whatever I asked of him to being there to carry the weight of my emotional struggles. He lightened my load. Thinking about his presence makes his absence feel even more profound. And I wish I could lighten his load.
My greatest source of strength is the synchronicity I have continued to feel with him, and our shared IHP community, throughout our separation. The synchronicity that has now expanded to include his brother Alex, recently freed Sarah, his friend and prison-mate Shane, other former and current political prisoners, and our continuously growing community of supporters. Despite the geographical distance between us, there are so many times when Alex senses what I feel and responds before I can even communicate in words, so many times when he feels exactly what I feel. I couldn’t get through this without him.
Nor could I get through it without the incredible family, friends and supporters of Sarah, Shane and Josh who have come together in a strong web of support that carries me through the quagmire. Then there are the former political prisoners - Eric Volz, Roxana Saberi, Laura Ling – who know just what to say and exactly when. And other current political prisoners who I feel connected with more deeply than I thought possible. As an Iranian colleague so eloquently expressed in describing Iranian people’s perspective of Sarah, Shane and Josh, “Their story is our story.”
So perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by the synchronicity between Sarah, Shane and Josh and all of us. From the start of our campaign to free them, I could feel Sarah, Shane and Josh with me as I directed campaign social media and organized global action. Keeping the campaign true to them, even without being able to have their direct input, was critical to me. I worked at feeling connected to them despite not being able to communicate with them in person, by phone, by letter or online. I built our twitter support base by spending time embodying each of Sarah, Shane and Josh and following and reaching out to people and organizations I was sure they would each support if they could. Safe World for Women was a key organization I was certain Sarah would support, and I hoped they in turn would connect with and support her. They felt such a strong connection to Sarah that they have fought for her freedom and that of Shane and Josh with compassion and energy beyond my wildest dreams. Hearing that they recently spoke to Sarah directly filled my heart with the joy of a circle of synchronicity complete.
Last week I met Sarah for the first time. I was preoccupied for days beforehand, sensing the power of meeting when our connection felt so strong throughout her imprisonment. A connection I felt because of how much we have in common in our personal and professional lives, how much I felt she was like me. And a connection borne from 14 months of fighting for her freedom, fighting for her life. Powerful is not strong enough a word to describe our meeting. She greeted me as if she knew that I would be amazed to see her in the flesh. And I was. Stunned. I had to squeeze her arms multiple times just to assure myself that she really was there right in front of me. That she really was free. After such an incredibly long, hard fight, it’s still hard to believe. At the same time, being faced with the preciousness of Sarah’s life and spirit that we freed fills me with gratitude beyond belief and reinforces the significance and necessity of our ongoing fight for Shane and Josh.
Once I absorbed that Sarah really was there with me, we started talking and didn't stop for hours. We kept interrupting each other because the feelings we were sharing were resonating so deeply. She confirmed for me what I have been sure of all along - we have been connected despite the many barriers Iranian authorities have tried to put between us.There are so many parallels between the experiences and feelings of Sarah, Shane and Josh on the 'other side' of those seemingly insurmountable walls and ours on 'this side'. There are so many examples of us knowing what they are feeling and vice versa, so many examples of us communicating across the abyss. We are two rivers of life, with intertwined tributaries, flowing alongside each other. Our rivers will meet and converge into the crashing waves of an ocean of collective emotion when Shane and Josh are freed.
