Four Years After Iran Imprisonment: Remembering, gratitude, and the birth of a boy named Free

Photo: Farah N. Mawani

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true."
---

Four years ago, on July 31, 2009, my precious friends Josh Fattal, Shane Bauer, and Sarah Shourd were captured by the Iranian regime, while on a hiking vacation in Iraqi Kurdistan. Three years ago, I felt the weight of their year held hostage, while centrally coordinating and promoting 40 events worldwide marking that challenging milestone. Two months after that, Sarah was freed. Two years ago, I awaited news of the final trial session for Josh and Shane, while centrally coordinating global events to mark an even more challenging to bear two years of imprisonment. A few weeks later, they were sentenced to eight years in Evin prison, Iran. Two months later, Josh and Shane were freed. One year ago, I wrote about the continued injustices the Iranian regime imposes on Masoud Shafi, the lawyer who fought at such great risk for Josh, Shane, and Sarah.

It’s hard to describe how intense the weight of that anniversary feels when it is loaded with so many traumatic associations. As I experienced during the prolonged ordeal, words are “woefully inadequate to describe my feelings.” My body, mind, and spirit, however, have been feeling this day approaching for some time. Often without me being fully conscious of it. A book on trauma, aptly titled, "The Body Remembers,” asserts “people who have been traumatized hold an implicit memory of traumatic events in their brains and bodies.” My body remembers.

 

It’s even harder to describe how miraculous it felt to hear the news of the birth of Josh and Jenny’s son, Isaiah Azad Fattal, in the midst of all that intensity. Right when I was thinking about how I could transform the anniversary into a positive one. Josh and Isaiah heard my request. Much like I felt Josh could hear me, when the Iranian regime imposed walls between us for more than two years. As I was longing to hear how he was after Isaiah’s birth, he heard me again. He sent me a message sharing how he felt, and asking me if I was “okay with posting” Isaiah’s birth announcement on our Free the Hikers Facebook page.Josh, Shane, Sarah, and I seek consensus from each other before posting on the page. We decided on that process together when they wanted to honour the immense time and energy I put into building the community on the page, and I wanted them to fully have their voices back.  I’m still honoured every time they ask me if I support what they want to post. Of course I was far more than “okay with posting” Isaiah’s birth announcement!  I was especially grateful that Josh asked me to post it on his behalf.

 

It felt unbelievably thrilling and fulfilling to post it. That page represented so many things to me, and the Free the Hikers family, during the campaign. Integrated with our website, community blog, Twitter, and YouTube page, it was the “place where we could meet Josh, Shane, and Sarah across the abyss between us, and hold them close.” It was the place we mobilized others to join us on our journey to FREEDOM. It was the place where we sought support to keep our hope afloat. Every time I posted on the page, multiple times a day, for more than two years, I felt Josh, Shane, and Sarah with me. And we noticed every response, in the form of likes, comments, and shares, even when there were 32 000 supporters there. We felt our supporters, including many of you reading this, with us every step of the way.  

I remember our interactions and your multitude of actions, and carry them with me on my journey forward. I remember approaching Gotham, knowing he would understand, because he too had experienced a precious friend unjustly detained abroad – Laura Ling, who was freed from North Korea just days after Josh, Shane, and Sarah were captured. I was right – he responded promptly and compassionately. That time, and many other times when I asked him for support. As did Mallika, and Deepak, and those who work closely with them.  Laura Ling, Euna Lee (detained with her), and Laura’s sister Lisa, who had campaigned tirelessly for their freedom, reached out to offer us support, almost right after Laura and Euna were freed.  Even while consumed by our own crisis, I was astounded by that. Later in our campaign, I remember Laura reaching out at just the right time to let me know that when she was imprisoned, she could feel the vigils people held for them.  Giving me just the push I needed to keep going. And today, when I was feeling drained from the intensity of the past week, and the four years leading up to it, Gotham shared his blog post expressing his joy at the news of Isaiah’s birth. That gave me just the push I needed to complete mine.

Every gesture of support affects me profoundly. As I explained to a twitter supporter at the dawn of the four year anniversary, “Humanity in the face of inhumanity takes on extra special significance." So, I am especially happy that Josh wanted to share Isaiah’s birth with you. Your support is what made it possible for Josh and Jenny to give birth to a beautiful boy with the middle name Azad, Farsi for FREE.  You sharing this joyous part of our journey with us means the world to me. Thank you. May Isaiah Azad Fattal embody the transformation of violence into peace for all of us.

---

"I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world"
~ 'Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World,' by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole

Ode to freethehikers.org

The space we inhabited when our precious loved ones, Josh, Shane, and Sarah, were held hostage by the Iranian regime, was a space of immense pain, loss, fear. A dark, oppressive cloud hovered in the air between us and their cells in Evin prison, hovered around us every second of every day, making it difficult to breathe, threatening to stifle the flames within us. 

Our website, freethehikers.org, taken down on Jan 4, 2013, embodied everything within us that we couldn’t express for fear of the cracks and fissures in our hearts spreading through our bodies and shattering us into pieces. It was the shared landscape of our journey to FREEDOM; the place where we could meet Josh, Shane, and Sarah across the abyss between us, and hold them close. When we couldn’t speak to or write to them, we posted our love online for the world to see, and hoped it would travel to their hearts in their prison cells in Iran. We hoped it would tell them that we were fighting for them with every cell in our hearts, minds, and bodies; that it would hold them and ourselves together; that it would bring them home. 

It was our “hope in the darkness”. I dedicate this song, "Ghosts That We Knew" by Mumford & Sons, to freethehikers.org and every beautiful soul who created it and made it the beautiful, powerful place it was in the darkest of times. 

"These words will be windows"

Trying to express the unimaginable feeling of a loved one held hostage in words. For the 2 years and 2 months Josh was held captive by the Iranian regime, words were woefully inadequate to describe my feelings. Though I was his voice and I called out for his FREEDOM every moment of every day, when it came to expressing my feelings, I embodied the silence imposed on him. I was full of words I could not say, feelings beyond words.

Words still elude me when I try to capture my journey since he was released. I am full of unfinished thoughts, incomplete sentences…words I cannot say, words that don’t exist.

A beautiful friend encouraged me to find words and to share them at a gathering of friends at his home. These are the words I spoke. As Josh said when he started writing a book to tell his story, “These words will be windows, not walls.”

Ocean of emotion

We were two rivers of life

with intertwined tributaries

flowing in parallel

unable  to meet

When you were FREED

our rivers converged

into the crashing waves

of an ocean

of collective emotion

We crash against each other

and pull apart

with the waves

We swim to the surface

fight to stay afloat

We reach for each other

then try to let go

We forge

our journeys forward

our own rivers

emerging

from our ocean

the source of

our strength

Our collective heart

Pay it Forward: Be Kind

On Wednesday, my cousin sistahs Salina and Shazia, chose to celebrate their birthdays by "paying it forward": performing random acts of kindness throughout Toronto, and inspiring others around the world to do the same. I was honoured to be invited to be a part of it, but I was low in energy on Wednesday. The day before was: the 3 year anniversary of my friends' Josh, Shane & Sarah's capture by Iranian forces; the 2 year anniversary of the Toronto benefit concert for them organized by my sistahs' Salina & Shazia and entourage; the 1 year anniversary of our New York City protest outside the Iranian Mission to the UN and Josh, Shane and Sarah's final trial session. As a result of all of the pay it forward (PIF) energy given to them, they are miraculously FREE now. But the last few years are a ton to process and the repercussions on so many of us are HUGE. On many days, I feel more like I need energy than have energy to give.

The positive energy from the group who participated in Salina and Shazia's PIF celebration is seeping in. Today I spent most of the day feeling angry at my neighbours for waking me up at 5:00am by being very loud on their balcony. This is not the first time they have woken me up in the middle of the night. I went for a swim this evening and reflected on how I could handle the situation positively. I decided to approach them and tell them I was glad they were having so much fun (without sarcasm :). And then to ask them if they would mind keeping it down in the middle of the night. I visualized a positive outcome.

On my way to approach them, I bumped into two other new neighbours who turned into an impromptu support group. They too are having challenges with inconsiderate neighbours. They understand exactly how I feel. We shared our experiences of having cigarette butts, alcohol, and beer cans thrown on our balconies, and neighbours running through the halls shouting in the middle of the night. One of them invited me to drop by her place any time to discuss and strategize around the issues. The other offered a very helpful suggestion that I connect with them positively during the day, when they're not drunk. He said that he felt badly for me and hoped I would come to the building turnover meeting. He added that he could represent my concerns if I was unable to participate.

That kindness, concern for me and willingness to be my voice is just what I needed to lift my spirits. It gives me hope that maybe some of the kindness I have paid forward will come back to me when I need it. So that I can then pay it forward. And so on, and so on...

As Shazia says, "It works!" So join our movement!

Five Months of FREEDOM

Yesterday marked 5 months of FREEDOM for Josh, Shane, Sarah and all of us who love them and devoted every cell of our beings to fight for their FREEDOM. I have held to my vow to only write the word 'FREEDOM' in capital letters to better represent its critical importance to life. It is an indescribable feeling to be marking months of FREEDOM rather than months of captivity. I wish we could have global celebrations to mark each of those months, as we had vigils, rallies and protests to mark the months and years of captivity. But I know that people around the world are celebrating each day of FREEDOM with us. And most importantly, I can celebrate those markers WITH Sarah, Shane and Josh. I'm still absorbing that - yesterday I texted Josh a 'Happy FREEDOM Anniversary' message. It took me the entire day to remember that I could do that. The FREEDOM to text, to communicate, is something I will never take for granted again.

The transition to FREEDOM is not an easy journey. We are all processing so much, feeling so much that we had to hold back in order to direct our focus and energy to our fight. One of the most frightening feelings I had after Sarah, Shane and Josh were freed was the uncertainty of what the next days, months and years would bring. The fear was partly due to growing accustomed to living with daily and hourly uncertainty for the 2 years and 2 months of their captivity. It was partly due to the dramatic shift in my identity that I anticipated - from a FREEDOM fighter to...I wasn't sure what.  I longed to get back to parts of my life and myself that I had to neglect while fighting for Sarah, Shane and Josh's lives but I knew that I had been transformed. I knew that I needed to somehow integrate my traumatic and transforming experience into my life's journey, but I didn't know how best to do that.

Fortunately, my journey is unfolding organically with some hard work thrown in. The way in which I spent the 5 month anniversary is a good illustration of that. I spent the morning advising two political prisoner campaigns on organizing coordinated global actions, based on my Free the Hikers experience. I then went to a conference focused on addressing access to care for individuals living in Canada without health insurance.  I brought a guest, who I met through the Free the Hikers campaign, to help expand his networks.  It was wonderful to introduce him to long-time colleagues and friends as I reconnected with them post-Free the Hikers.

My worlds are colliding and merging into one land mass. There are still fissures and fractures in that land mass that I hope will mend in time to provide me with the solid ground I need to be my strongest self. I left the conference early for my weekly trauma therapy session, where I confronted and expressed some of the ongoing pain associated with Sarah, Shane and Josh's hostage-taking. While running some errands afterwards, a bright butterfly-covered scarf caught my eye.  I wear it today to honour my ongoing transformation and to remind me that Spring is coming and with it hope for new growth sprouting from the merging ground of my former and transformed self.

Put a Little Love in Your Heart

Okay, I’ll admit, I have mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day. Like many, I’m not a fan of the commercialization of love. I do, however, feel that a reminder to reflect on the importance of love in our lives, is not a bad thing. I’ve had intensive opportunities to reflect on love over the past few years. I was driven to fight for FREEDOM for Josh Fattal by love. Love for him, love for justice, love for truth.

Whenever my faith in justice, my faith in truth, faltered, I turned to this quote from Gandhi: 

"Truth triumphs over untruth. Love conquers hatred.”

It reminded me of my deeply held belief. It kept me fighting towards our goal, no matter what curve balls were thrown our way.  No matter what hatred was thrown our way – by the Iranian regime and their agents, and more shockingly by members of the general public. Even when dealing with the Iranian regime, love did conquer hatred. Truth did triumph over untruth.

My pain associated with the loss and fear of loss of Josh, though excruciating, connected me more deeply to the love behind that pain. We so often realize how much love we feel when we lose someone or are at risk of losing him or her.  I did lose the ability to communicate with Josh in any way whatsoever for 2 years and 2 months. In this world of telecommunications where we can communicate instantly and simultaneously by text, email, phone, video, Facebook, twitter, etc., being completely cut off from someone I was with all day every day for months beforehand, was like losing a part of myself. 

Now that he’s free, my heart, that broke a little bit more every day of his captivity, is slowly mending, and rejoicing in his FREEDOM, his LIFE.  My heart is gradually growing as I absorb the FREEDOM of Josh, Shane, Sarah and all of us whose hearts were held captive with them.

But as I try to recover and reconnect with my loved ones and my life outside of FREEDOM fighting, I’m facing other losses – the loss of the intensely close Free the Hikers family that formed to FREE Sarah, Shane and Josh, the loss of Alex, the other half of my campaign-self, and the loss of the Josh I lived with and the me that lived with him. Josh and I are now separated by living for 2 years and 2 months with an impenetrable wall between us, and by thousands of miles.

As all of us in the extended Free the Hikers family are going through major lifelong transformations, I’m also faced with other unexpected losses.  There are big changes in my immediate family that affect us all. And the father of two of my oldest friends is dying.  It is so difficult for me to absorb that, let alone write that.  My father left my brothers, our mother, and me when I was a child. My friends’ father is like a father to me. He consistently expresses great pride in my accomplishments, and glows with pride at my Free the Hikers accomplishments and my ongoing Human Rights work.

Knowing that someone you love is in physical and/or emotional pain and not being able to do anything about it is excruciating.  Dealing with losing them on top of that is unbearable. The next hardest thing is sharing the pain with the people closest to them. Those were the hardest parts of the Iranian regime holding Josh hostage. They are the hardest parts of Cam’s suffering.

Knowing that Alex was suffering indescribable pain during Josh’s captivity, pain that I could not alleviate, was almost impossible for me to bear.  And now I’m watching two of my closest and oldest friends deal with the threat of losing their beloved father, while I too am faced with his loss.

I can’t prevent his loss so it’s extremely difficult to know how to help him and how to help his family. Like my experience on my journey to FREE Josh, Shane and Sarah, I know that being there for the journey, in whatever way I can be, is the most precious gift of all.  That is love. Being given and received.

May you all give and receive love today, and every day.

Put a little love in your heart.

With love,

Farah

Giving Thanks to All of You for FREEDOM

"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” ~ Nelson Mandela

I will forever be grateful for Josh, Shane and Sarah’s FREEDOM. After fighting for their FREEDOM for 2 years and 2 months, I can only write the word in capitals. Through the struggle for it, I have come to realize how central it is to life. It is impossible to feel FREE oneself, when the FREEDOM of loved ones is curtailed.

I am still acutely aware of Josh, Shane and Sarah’s acts of FREEDOM – their ability to send emails and texts, make phone calls, post tweets and facebook messages, and most importantly BE with their loved ones, connect directly with their global supporters and choose their life paths. Being able to advise them on social media and public engagement, and helping them launch their own social media voices is beyond what I was able to imagine when they were captive and unable to communicate via any means. 

I also feel immense gratitude to them for inspiring me to fight for their FREEDOM and that of others, and to do so lovingly and peacefully. Their strength, wisdom and compassion continue to inspire me every day as we recover from the trauma of the past two years and carve a new path forward.  After more than two years of working so hard to represent them and be their voices, being able to work with them directly to carve a path forward together is an indescribable reward. It is a reward that I would not have without the hard work of the Free the Hikers team nor the unwavering compassion and support of my family, friends and supporters around the world.

The Free the Hikers team was formed and grew organically as family, friends and supporters of Josh, Shane and Sarah came together to fight for their FREEDOM. I am so thankful for Josh’s family, who welcomed me as one of their own, expressed remarkable care and compassion for me at the most painful time of their lives, and inspired me with their incredible and unshakeable strength, courage and resilience. I am especially thankful for Josh’s brother Alex, who was a lifeline for me.

Alita Holly, an old family friend of Sarah’s, became a sister to me as we worked together through our shared trauma to build Free the Hikers’ online presence. Alita’s remarkable creativity and technical skills were the perfect complement to my passion for engaging and mobilizing people. She built the tools I used to engage people around the world, and she continues to be there for me during this challenging time of transition.

David Marcus, a friend of Shane’s, held up the website fort so beautifully, even when his second daughter was born. He was always such a pleasure to work with and share joys and frustrations with. It was especially comforting to be able to share New York City campaign events with him in person. Helaine Alon, a friend of Josh’s, made it possible for me to centrally coordinate global vigils and events for Sarah, Shane and Josh. 

Former students of Josh and I were there throughout the painful ordeal, to remind me of the community and history we share with Josh. Many of them contributed immensely to the campaign even as they were going through many important and challenging transitions in their own lives. It gives me great pleasure to hear of them gradually reuniting with Josh, and I long for us all to have a big joint reunion soon.

I am most proud of, touched by and grateful for the diversity of support we built together. We had unwavering, loving support from The Swiss Ambassador to Iran, Livia Leu Agosti, and her colleagues. We also had a fearless Iranian lawyer, Mr.Masoud Shafii, who risked his own life and safety to fight for justice. We are very saddened that the Iranian regime is now restricting his freedom by confiscating his passport and preventing him from traveling freely.

We also had support from global leaders (e.g. Secretary General of the United Nations Ban Ki-Moon), political leaders (e.g President Obama, Sec of State Hillary Clinton, Sultan Qaboos of Oman, Presidents of Iraq, Turkey, Brazil, and Venezuela), high profile public figures (e.g. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Noam Chomsky), celebrities (e.g. Sean Penn, Mia Farrow, Muhammad Ali, Yusuf Islam, Deepak Chopra and his family), international organizations (e.g. Safe World for Women, careif, Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, Witness), Online communities (e.g. Intent.com, care2), and people all over the world. People of all ages, from different cultural and religious backgrounds, with different political beliefs came together with the common goal of freeing Sarah, Shane and Josh. They supported us by organizing events, donating funds, wearing FTH t-shirts and jewelry, signing petitions, writing letters, creating banners, posters joining us on Facebook, twitter and YouTube and spreading the word about Sarah, Shane and Josh. I would not have been able to do any of what I did without them nor my family and friends.

My sister Salina was and continues to be a lifeline for me. She is there for everything I need, from invaluable assistance with Free the Hikers social media accounts and global events, to a shoulder to cry on, to someone to share the joys of FREEDOM with. I am thrilled that she wants to take what we learned and built together forward together.

My mother provided unconditional and immense love and support throughout the ordeal and was the one person in my physical environment who had spent time with Josh, and understood the magnitude of his loss, and was incensed by the injustice against him. She also felt great compassion for the suffering of Josh’s family, and a special protectiveness of Alex.

I am also grateful to my two brothers as the profound impact of my prolonged separations from each of them during our very early childhood, drove me to do everything in my power to reunite Josh and Alex, and to be there for them in whatever ways I could during their heartbreaking separation. My niece and nephew amazed me with their ability to understand the gravity of the injustice and the pain it was causing me enough to take whatever actions they could, despite their very young ages.

Countless other family and friends of mine, and family, friends and supporters of Josh, Shane and Sarah were there for me just when I needed them most; with energy for campaign action, kind words, or a home to share. From Karen Leigh, who reached out daily from all corners of the world, and wrote articles that so aptly captured the pain and loss experienced by Josh's loved ones, to Stephanie McCabe, who helped me to realize my vision of our film, “Josh Fattal: 444 Days in Iran…and counting”, to Karim Bardeesy, who wrote editorials about Sarah, Shane and Josh in our National newspaper, the Globe and Mail. I am especially appreciative of friends of Josh, Shane and Sarah, who are stepping in now to express gratitude, offer me emotional support and share this transformative journey.

Sharing this incredible journey with all of you is something I’ll never forget. Every supportive action and communication of yours has moved me and given me the strength to keep up the fight - and has made it possible for me to be reunited with Josh, Shane and Sarah. Endless thanks to all of you for that. You have changed my life. I hope that you can all feel the gratitude I express to you directly and indirectly every day.

Like Sarah, Shane and Josh, I hope that we can continue to support each other and work together for change.

Farah 

Co-founder and Online Organizer

Free the Hikers